Lawyer jokes

I think this is my favorite one-liner (contributed by my brother Jerry):

Last winter it was so cold in Providence that the lawyers were sticking their hands in their own pockets!

More elaborate lawyer jokes:

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most: his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a faithful member of our church all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptismal font, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of both of you. I want you to know that when I put my envelope into the coffin, it contained my personal check for the full $30,000."

The sheriff received a telephone call from a rancher, who said, "Herb, you'd better get right out here ... I just ran over two lawyers."

When the sheriff arrived at the ranch, there was no evidence of the accident. "Where are the two lawyers?" he asked.

"Well," said the rancher, "I buried them."

"Are you sure they were dead?" asked the sheriff.

"Well, they were screaming and hollering when I buried them," said the rancher, "But you know how those lawyers lie."

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a lawyer were traveling through the midwest and got lost on a country road in the middle of nowhere at night. They decided to stop at a farmhouse to see if they could spend the night there. They knocked at the door and when the farmer opened it, they explained their predicament. The farmer said they could stay, but he had room for only two of them in the farmhouse. The other one would have to stay in the barn. So the rabbi said, "Okay, I'll stay in the barn," and he went off to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the farmhouse door and the farmer answered. The rabbi was standing there and said, "You didn't tell me there was a pig in the barn. It's against my religion to share the same roof with a pig." Overhearing this, the Hindu priest volunteered, "Okay, I'll sleep in the barn," and left for the barn. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the farmhouse door. The Hindu priest was standing there, and he said to the farmer, "I didn't know there was a cow in the barn. It's against my religion to share the same roof with a cow." The lawyer heard this and said, "Okay, okay, this is ridiculous. I will sleep in the barn, and that's that. Everyone in the farmhouse headed for bed. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the farmhouse door. The farmer ran downstairs, jerked the door open, and there were the pig and the cow!

Miscellaneous other jokes